As I went about my day Friday morning, I found myself focused on the end of a work week, making it through day 6 of the amount of work days left until Christmas break, dealing with the everyday struggles that normal life stresses bring. Little did I realize, how blessed I was that all I had to worry about were those things.
During one of our school breaks, I routinely visited the school's office with one of my students. As he left the room, one of the ladies in the office begin to show me what I consider to be a mother's worst nightmare, unfolding before my eyes.
And there they were as the computer screen faded into focus, images of
ambulances, so very many ambulances, lined up. Police officers.
Flashing lights. The words: "Shooting at Elementary School."
Panic. Fear. WHERE? As we scrolled through and read the words
Connecticut, Immediately there was relief, then followed shame. Because I felt relief, it meant another parent was feeling utter despair. Staring at the computer screen streaming the live video, all I saw was utter pandamonium and all we could do was stare. I was so shaken, all I could do was walk back to my classroom, look at my co-teacher in the face and say, turn on your computer.
Even now, I am still shaken. I peruse the internet wanting to know what is happening but at the same time, scared to look at the news feed. I have yet to put on the real news on my t.v. I can't bare to look at those hurting, despondent parents in the face. Knowing that there are parents who will never hold their babies again. Parents who will go on with their Holiday Season with empty stockings on the mantle and already wrapped gifts under the tree. The idea that this is going to be their reality terrifies me. Because deep down, my fear is that no matter what I do, it does not matter . . . this world is just not safe. There is nothing you can do about it. We wrap our kids in bubble wrap and still we have to realize how penetrable it really is. Despite our very best efforts, we must know that predators may still find a way into our lives and shake us to our very cores. How do we live with this truth?
I have spent the last 24 hours questioning myself with this very question. There is only one answer . . . We don't. We can't. We are not capable. We would go crazy before we would fully understand. However, lucky for us, we believe in someone who can deal and does understand how to cope with this reality. I am reminded of the promise in Numbers. It is so simple, so pure and really the only thing that puts my heart at rest after a tragedy like this.
The Lord bless you and keep you;
The Lord make his face shine upon you and be gracious to you;
The Lord turn his face toward you and give you peace.
I feel that almost weekly I get a reminder just how incapable humans are when it comes to coping with the truths that life slams us with. But the one thing I can trust in is promises like this one. It is my prayer that we not forget this day. That each day as we dress our children for the day, that we not do so in fear, but do so in peace. We have to trust that He knows, He cares, He plans and He LOVES.
To be honest, the idea that there are 20 new souls sitting on the lap of Jesus, reading the best story of their lives, puts a smile on my face. I just pray their parents are able to believe in that too. Let's all keep those families in our hearts and in our prayers this season. May God grant them peace.
