A Mother's Worst Fear

As I went about my day Friday morning, I found myself focused on the end of a work week, making it through day 6 of the amount of work days left until Christmas break, dealing with the everyday struggles that normal life stresses bring.  Little did I realize, how blessed I was that all I had to worry about were those things.

During one of our school breaks, I routinely visited the school's office with one of my students.  As he left the room, one of the ladies in the office begin to show me what I consider to be a mother's worst nightmare, unfolding before my eyes.

 And there they were as the computer screen faded into focus, images of ambulances, so very many ambulances, lined up. Police officers. Flashing lights. The words: "Shooting at Elementary School."

Panic. Fear.  WHERE?  As we scrolled through and read the words Connecticut, Immediately there was relief, then followed shame.  Because I felt relief, it meant another parent was feeling utter despair.  Staring at the computer screen streaming the live video, all I saw was utter pandamonium and all we could do was stare.  I was so shaken, all I could do was walk back to my classroom, look at my co-teacher in the face and say, turn on your computer.

Even now, I am still shaken. I peruse the internet wanting to know what is happening but at the same time, scared to look at the news feed.  I have yet to put on the real news on my t.v. I can't bare to look at those hurting, despondent parents in the face.  Knowing that there are parents who will never hold their babies again.  Parents who will go on with their Holiday Season with empty stockings on the mantle and already wrapped gifts under the tree.  The idea that this is going to be their reality terrifies me.  Because deep down, my fear is that no matter what I do, it does not matter . . . this world is just not safe.  There is nothing you can do about it.  We wrap our kids in bubble wrap and still we have to realize how penetrable it really is.  Despite our very best efforts, we must know that predators may still find a way into our lives and shake us to our very cores.  How do we live with this truth?

I have spent the last 24 hours questioning myself with this very question.  There is only one answer . . . We don't.  We can't.  We are not capable. We would go crazy before we would fully understand.  However, lucky for us, we believe in someone who can deal and does understand how to cope with this reality.  I am reminded of the promise in Numbers.  It is so simple, so pure and really the only thing that puts my heart at rest after a tragedy like this.

The Lord bless you and keep you;
The Lord make his face shine upon you and be gracious to you;
The Lord turn his face toward you and give you peace.

I feel that almost weekly I get a reminder just how incapable humans are when it comes to coping with the truths that life slams us with.  But the one thing I can trust in is promises like this one.  It is my prayer that we not forget this day.  That each day as we dress our children for the day, that we not do so in fear, but do so in peace.  We have to trust that He knows, He cares, He plans and He LOVES.

To be honest, the idea that there are 20 new souls sitting on the lap of Jesus, reading the best story of their lives, puts a smile on my face.  I just pray their parents are able to believe in that too.  Let's all keep those families in our hearts and in our prayers this season.  May God grant them peace.

Turkey Day Pics!!!

I am thankful . . . .

I am grateful for my husband.  He has been my rock for 10 years.  These last couple of years he has shown me what a wonderful father he is to our sweet little girl.  She adores him. I am very thankful for their close relationship. Knowing that she has a relationship with her father that models that of one that Christ modeled for us with the church, puts my heart at rest.  Thank you Michel for being such a great husband and daddy.

Words can't express how much I love this little girl.  Her enthusiasm for life challenges me to remember that life does not have to be so serious all the time.  I can't believe how smart she is and how independent she has become.  I am thankful for her laugh.  I am thankful for her shoulder shakes.  I am thankful for her little hands.  They make her hugs so wonderful.  I am thankful for her nose nuzzles and I love our nightly snuggles.  I love you baby. Thank you for being such a gift to your daddy and me.

I am thankful for life lessons for my little baby.  I love that she is beginning to love to cook.  It makes our future dinner preparations and Saturday breakfasts that much more enjoyable.  

I am thankful for these two people.  They are Kaydance's godparents. My sister LIndsey and her husband Nick, love Kaydance as if she were their own.  I love how much our daughter loves them.  

I am thankful that my husband likes to cook.  I could not of asked for a better "personal chef."  I am also thankful that he is THIS goofy.  He makes me laugh.

I pray that this season you were able to reflect on the things that God has blessed your life with.  I believe that we all should do this daily, but it is nice to have a day dedicated to thankfulness.  It keeps things in proper perspective for us all. Happy Thanksgiving from our family to yours.   

Thanksgiving 2012

Thanksgiving was great this year.  Good turkey, fantastic company, great location . . . we recently have been removed from our house while the church fixes a rather large water issue.  Lucky for us, the house we get to stay in is on twenty lovely acres, with two fireplaces and enough rooms to house my entire family for Thanksgiving.  Needless to say, Jesus loves us and I am grateful that he so carefully orchestrated what could of been a disastrous situation into a picture perfect Turkey Day weekend.

I love these two, so very MUCH

Choices . . .

It is interesting how when you think you have it all figured out, life happens.  I have been contemplating this reality over the past few days.  Before I went back to work, I attended a weekly Bible study.  One of the lovely ladies talked about how she decided that she could never really make plans.  When she did, that was usually about the time that God would come in and rip the carpet out from under her.  Now, I will stop now to say that by no means do I believe God to be vindictive or some kind of heavenly bully.  I just think that we sometimes forget who really is in charge of our lives and in order for us to wake up and remember, He has to take some drastic measures.  Or, He just reserves that kind of dramatic intervention for people like me. People who seem to white knuckle control on life.  All in all, it is a lesson that I feel like I am constantly re-learning.

 This Sunday the message included Jeremiah 29:11.  I have always loved that verse.  So comforting and instills a sense of "contentment" in knowing that He has it all together.  While listening to it, I begun to get the feeling that life as we currently know it, might change a bit.  Work has begun, Kaydance is doing great, Michel has started another school year with his youth group . . . all seems normal.  But, the feeling still looms.  Today I feel it so thick, at times I wonder if it might suffocate me.

I walked into work today thinking it was just another Monday and left with a decision to make.  I would not necessarily label it "LIFE ALTERING."  But still, I feel like it could cause ripples in our lives.  Is this the big moment?  I am unsure. What I do know is that prayer for the three of us would be great.  Prayer that includes us remembering who is really in charge.  Prayer that includes peace and wisdom to make the correct decisions . . . 

For I know the plans I have for you,” says the Lord. “They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope.

POOP

It seems to be taking over my life.  I think my kid is saying in constantly, I dream about it, I feel like we are constantly smelling it.  When we are not cleaning up an accident, I am stressing about when the next when will occur.  Seriously peeps, I am loosing it.

Yes, you guessed it, we have been potty training.  We have been pretty successful too I might add.  She pees splendidly in the potty almost 100% of the time.  We just use panties, only pull ups for naps and night time.  For two weeks, I thought we got lucky.  But this third week has really begun to make me question my teaching abilities.  For those of you that do not know, I am a teacher.  So not only am I dealing with motherhood insecurities, I am now dealing with some professional scrutiny.  Who knew that a cute little two year old could cause such a ruckus.

POOP . . . she just can't seem to get it in the potty.  She poops in her panties almost 100% of the time.  I am not sure what to do differently.  I know she is on the young end of the spectrum for potty training.  She has yet to have an entire month of being two under her belt.  I get that it will all come with practice.  But let me tell you, I am so DONE.  Anyone out there with tips, please send them my direction.

All I can do is try to keep patient and weather the storm.  And this beauty helps me do that.

LIFE

I know.  It has been awhile.  I have no real excuse.  One week became one month and one month became two and then the idea of playing catch up was just so daunting. I had thought about trying to make it all up.  My last post was before the Holidays.  So in theory, those events should of been recorded.  However, I am just gonna chalk it up as a loss and begin again.

Life in Oakhurst right now is good.  Michel is truckin' along with youth group.  He comes home frequently with grass stains, proof that many a hike or some form of tom foolery has occurred.  Needless to say, he typically enjoys his Summers. 

I, however, have difficulties viewing this season with such positive perspective.  Largely because it is difficult to see with all the sweat pouring down my face.  It is just stupid hot here.  This means we are stuck inside and both myself and Kaydance do not do well under such conditions.  I think that the public school systems just need to realize that Summer vacation would be so much better in the Fall.

- picture by Candace Tallmon

Kaydance is ridiculous.  She is such a joy to have in our lives, sometimes I just look at her and pinch myself.  Really, God you gave me this?  I am in a Bible study right now and there was a lesson about how the disciples had difficulties seeing more then just a speck of what God had for them.  I think before Kaydance was placed in our lives, I viewed my life in a similar way.  I can't believe how large my story board is.  God really did spoil me and was just showing off when he created our little bug.

Daddy favorite cave near Yosemite Falls

She is 2.  She turned 2 a week ago.  She is 28lbs and flippin 38" tall.  Seriously, keeping pants on this kid is just a joke. She wears a size 18m waisted jean but I have to buy only certain 2T pants.  Some are longer than others.  She is smack dab in the middle of potty training, which leaves us never with a dull moment.  She loves, love LOVES water.  Has a somewhat unhealthy addiction to all things Tangled, sings us songs, knows her numbers to 20 and can point out most letters.  Blessed.  That is what we are . . .

Amma took pictures of her under the water . . .

Love you bug

Spa time :)